Birkenstock Dissection
An enlightening path of scientific discovery
     
Team Granola Biter now makes its foray into the realms
of science with this step-by-step illustrated guide to the dissection
of Birkenstocks.  Interesting information as well as instructions
will be provided throughout this page to provide a easy and fun
project for granola biters everywhere.  Why choose to dissect a 
sandal?  It would be wrong to dissect a dead frog just in the name
of science.
Step 1
       Remove Birkenstock from a wearer.  This step is necessary in
       order to provide a proper, non-genetically-defective specimen.
       Note: If wearer will not allow removal of Birkenstock, continue
       to other steps while sandal is still attached to wearer.  
Step 2
       Inspect Birkenstock for unusual physical attributes.  The 
       example used in this instruction is of the genus Classic
       and species Milano.  See Figure 1.1

Step 3
       Cut straps from rest of body using sharp scalpel.  
Warning!: Do Not Use Excessive Force; You may cut yourself.
       When this step is completed: You should have something that 
       looks similar to Figure 2.1.

       This assembly is known as "straps"  It is a system of organs
       composed of two leather strap sets and three (in this species)
       "buckles".  The straps are composed of the skin of some poor
       cow that gave its life for the sake of the survival of the 
       Birkenstock.  The buckles were formed in a high pressure forge,
       a device that sucks up the world's natural resources.
Step 3
       The remainder of the Birkenstock body is composed of a cork 
       "bed" and a rubber "outsole".  The purpose of the bed is to 
       provide link between the Birkenstock and its wearer so that 
       the wearer and the sandal form a symbiotic relationship.  
       The bed provides protection to the wearer's feet and the feet
       provide the foot-funk which is the Birkenstock's primary source
       of sustenence.  The outsole provides protection to the 
       Birkenstock. Figure 3.1 shows the bed and outsole together.

       The bed is made out of cork which came from the inside of 
       a rare rainforest tree.  The outsole is made from coagulated
       Rubber-Tree blood.
Step 4
       Separate the bed from the outsole using the scalpel using even
       pressure.  You will notice a gooey, highly viscous liquid
       between these two parts.  This is the Birkenstock's blood.
       (Also known as adhesive.)  This substance's composition is
       a synthetic chemical that when manufactured, causes groundwater
       pollution.
Step 5
       Recycle the leftover parts properly and run from enraged wearer.
Step 6
       Write up excessively long lab report.  
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